Teach Your Kids to Lose: Building Resilience Through Loss

Thus far working with children from high-achieving and wealthy families, I’ve encountered a surprising challenge: several struggle with emotional regulation, self-worth, and friendships with peers, largely due to their inability to handle losing. Behavior issues aren't limited to any one background or socioeconomic status; it’s a common thread across many children today.

The kids I worked with experienced a significant culture shock when they realized that I (Miss Tori) wasn't going to let them win. Among these children aged 5-10, one consistent reaction was that no child wanted to finish a game if they were close to losing. Whether playing Candyland, Uno, or other games, they would often scream, dispute the rules, or quit at the mere possibility of defeat. This behavior was evident across large and small groups, and among both boys and girls. This aversion to losing can lead to a lack of enjoyment and difficulty in maintaining fair and friendly interactions with other children. Even with individual games like Mario Kart. The pattern remains: winning is celebrated with bragging, while losing leads to self-criticism and frustration.

Reflecting on my own childhood, I realize now how crucial these family game experiences were. Playing with my parents—where winning and losing were part of the experience—taught me valuable lessons. My mom would strategize to win, my dad would aim to outwit her, and sometimes I’d win or lose. This taught me that losing was a normal part of games and not something to fear but part of the fun. Patience and persistence were key in learning to play and improve over time.

So, how can we teach our children to handle losing gracefully?

Model Positive Behavior

Demonstrate how to handle both winning and losing with grace. Show that feeling disappointed is normal but staying positive and supportive is crucial.

Praise Effort, Not Just Winning

Focus on the effort and teamwork rather than the outcome. For example, commend a child for their effort and cooperation, regardless of whether they won or lost.

Normalize Losing

Explain that losing is a part of games and learning. It’s an opportunity to grow and improve, not a reflection of their worth.

Teach Coping Strategies

Equip children with tools to manage their emotions, such as deep breathing, discussing their feelings, or taking a short break. Practice these strategies through role-playing.

Encourage Sportsmanship

Teach children to congratulate others, win or lose. Simple phrases like “Good job!” or “Well played!” help focus on positive aspects of the game.

Set Realistic Expectations

Make it clear that games have winners and losers and that the main goal is to have fun and enjoy time with friends.

Debrief Together

After the game, discuss what went well and what could be improved. Use this as a chance to reinforce positive behavior and explore better ways to handle losing.

Offer Emotional Support

Acknowledge and validate their feelings of disappointment. Encourage them to express their emotions in a healthy and constructive manner.

As I embark on my role as a part-time after-school counselor this coming school year, I’m eager to explore how to integrate behavioral interventions and promote healthy practices that enhance resilience and emotional intelligence in the children I work with.

This position is a way to both invigorate my passion for resilience in youth and combat personal burnout, which is a common challenge in the social work field. By balancing engaging activities like coloring and playing Uno with meaningful life skills instruction, I aim to create a supportive and enjoyable environment that fosters the growth and development of each child. This job is not only a professional opportunity but also a chance to “fill my cup” with rewarding experiences and impactful work.