The Weight of Words and the Reality of Suicide

I write to cope. With every word I type or scribble down, I feel another pound lifted off my chest, shifted elsewhere—displaced so I no longer have to bear its full weight. Writing allows me to release my unfiltered emotions, but I try not to burden others with them, knowing the weight my words can carry. Not everyone has the strength to bear their own struggles, let alone mine. So, I write.

Talking about suicide is difficult, especially when trying to convey the depth of emotion behind it in a way that’s widely understood. One might reasonably ask, “Given the unbearable loss and pain felt by those left behind, how can suicide not be considered selfish?” It's a question I’ve encountered, and it's a difficult one. 

Some people still believe that suicide is a personal "choice," often followed by the unfair assumption that it's a selfish one. Merriam-Webster defines selfishness as “seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.” Yet suicide is not a pursuit of pleasure, advantage, or well-being. It's a result of profound pain, often experienced by someone who feels like a burden to others and sees no other escape. In these moments, making others feel guilty is the furthest thing from their mind.

As someone who attempted to take their own life at the age of fourteen, I’ve always felt strongly about the topic of suicide. I used to argue fervently that suicide is not selfish. But it wasn't until I lost someone to suicide that I truly began to grasp the gravity and complexity of that pain. It’s a nuanced conversation, one that challenges us to reconsider our assumptions about mental health, crisis, and human suffering.

When someone is in a mental health crisis, their ability to think flexibly disappears. Their usual coping mechanisms, their capacity to process options or consequences, evaporates. I often use this metaphor to explain it: imagine someone in good mental health being thrown into the deep end of a pool. Their brain will immediately signal them to tread water and survive. But when someone with depression or suicidal thoughts is thrown into the same deep end, their mind doesn’t tell them to swim. Instead, it tells them to sink, to stop the unbearable pain of drowning, because the brain no longer believes in the possibility of reaching the surface.

Another analogy I use is the sensation of touching a hot surface. A person in good mental health pulls their hand away instinctively to stop the pain. But for someone struggling with mental illness, that reflex to alleviate suffering may be compromised. They may not see a way out, even when one exists.

At the core of almost every suicidal crisis is a deep ambivalence. It’s not necessarily about wanting to die forever, but about not being able to handle the overwhelming pain in the moment. What most suicidal individuals seek is relief from their suffering, not an end to their life.

In these moments, being non-judgmental is crucial. Don't debate whether suicide is "right" or "wrong." Don’t tell someone how they should feel or lecture them on the value of life. Instead, offer empathy, support, and a listening ear. Being involved and showing genuine care can be life-saving. However, it’s important to avoid making promises you can’t keep, like vowing to keep suicidal thoughts a secret. Suicidal thoughts need professional help—don’t try to handle it alone. 

One of my favorite sections from a book I’ve read is as follows: 

"Every confession we could muster would allow our companions to let go of a part of their own loneliness. Every move towards greater honesty would edge us towards a less needlessly isolated and painfully shame-filled world."

This quote is from the book A More Exciting Life by The School of Life. I love it because it emphasizes the importance of raw, authentic interactions with others. The more honest we are about our feelings, the more we allow others to share theirs, reducing isolation and shame. This resonates deeply with me, especially in the context of mental health and suicide. Vulnerability isn’t a weakness—it’s a bridge to connection and healing.

The three P's to prevent suicide are Purpose, Problem-Solving Skills, and People. Helping someone discover a sense of purpose can provide them with a reason to keep going, even in the darkest moments. Equipping individuals with problem-solving skills empowers them to tackle challenges in a constructive way, reducing feelings of helplessness when life becomes overwhelming. Lastly, People—the presence of a strong support system, from professionals to peers—can make a world of difference. Having others who are present, understanding, and available to lean on can help someone with suicidal ideations feel less isolated and more supported in their journey toward healing.

In navigating these conversations, it’s vital to remember that we don’t always have the answers. Even mental health experts struggle to determine who is at serious risk of suicide and who is not. But what we do know is that finding meaning in life—both in its presence and the search for it—can act as a buffer against suicidal thoughts.

Studies have shown that a sense of purpose can mediate the relationship between depression, low self-esteem, and suicidal ideation. For example, among students, a lack of meaning in life is linked to substance abuse and suicidal thoughts. However, fostering gratitude, grit, and purpose has been found to reduce these risks, serving as protective factors against suicide.

The statistics surrounding suicide are sobering. Every 40 seconds, someone in the world dies by suicide. Yet, suicides are preventable. One promising strategy for prevention is the implementation of universal, school-based socio-emotional learning programs that teach problem-solving and coping skills. Learning how to identify a problem, understand its root causes, and generate solutions can be life-saving.

Problem-solving skills have been shown to offer protection against suicidal thoughts and behaviors. However, we must remember that there is no single risk or protective factor when it comes to suicide. It’s a complex interplay of mental health, environment, and personal experiences.

Let’s extend empathy instead of criticism. Sometimes, the bravest thing we can do is admit that we don’t have all the answers, but that we are willing to help someone find them. 

It may sound difficult to admit, but I find a sense of peace in knowing that my friend Seth is now free from the overwhelming pain he endured in life. While I would have loved for him to stay, I take comfort in the fact that his suffering has ended, and in that knowledge, I find a bittersweet sense of relief and solace.

Through your passing, I have gained greater strength in the pursuit of my purpose—to be proactive in preventing suicide in others. I may not have been able to save your life, but you’ve played a vital role in saving mine and deepening my passion for the work I will do to save others.

Resource List

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. (2023, August 24). Brief interventions for managing suicidal crises.https://afsp.org/brief-interventions-for-managing-suicidal-crises/

Ackerman, J. (2024, February 15). Don’t say it’s selfish: Suicide is not a choice. Nationwide Children’s Hospital. https://www.nationwidechildrens.org/family-resources-education/700childrens/2019/11/suicide-is-not-a-choice

Darvishi, N., Farhadi, M., Azmi-Naei, B., & Poorolajal, J. (2023). The role of problem-solving skills in the prevention of suicidal behaviors: A systematic review and meta-analysis. PLoS One, 18(10), e0293620. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0293620

Gebbia, R. (2020, June 16). Suicide is not cowardly. American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. https://afsp.org/story/suicide-is-not-cowardly

Lew, B., Chistopolskaya, K., Osman, A., et al. (2020). Meaning in life as a protective factor against suicidal tendencies in Chinese university students. BMC Psychiatry, 20, 73. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-020-02485-4

The School of Life. (2024, June 27). A more exciting life book. https://www.theschooloflife.com/shop/tsol-press-a-more-exciting-life/

Western Michigan University. (n.d.). How to help someone you know who is suicidal.https://wmich.edu/suicideprevention/basics/how-help