Why Voting Differences Are Ending Relationships
- Tori Leto
- Nov 6, 2024
- 14 min read
Table of Contents:
Following this election, I’m struggling to find the words. It’s difficult to express my thoughts not only to friends and family but also to strangers—because it feels like everything has changed. Many people say that politics don’t have to fracture a friendship, and in some situations, I can absolutely agree. We can have different views on minor policy details and still get along. For instance, debating the benefits of a certain tax policy or disagreeing over local infrastructure doesn’t usually cut to the core of our identities or values.
However, the 2024 election was exceptionally polarizing, bringing more than just policy disagreements to the surface. This time, the candidates represented drastically different visions that feel personal and consequential to many. Today, political affiliation often reflects who we are and what we stand for on a much deeper level. It touches on ethics and moral issues that we believe will shape the future we want to live in. It’s become less about policy points and more about deeply-held beliefs about our identity that are challenging to set aside.
The media adds fuel to this division, often amplifying the dramatics and extremes on both sides of the political spectrum. Harmful stereotypes emerge, and we begin associating people with the most extreme voices we see online. This hurts us all. It’s easy to unconsciously group our friends with those polarizing figures, forgetting that they, too, are more than a caricature of their political beliefs.
This post isn’t to claim that friendships or relationships *should* end over politics. Instead, it’s a way to process feelings for myself, to share my experience of grieving relationships that have suffered because of this election. It’s challenging to watch politics impact our hearts, homes, and friendships in such profound ways. I hope that by putting words to this experience, I can help others understand why, for so many of us, this election wasn’t just about ballots—it was about the connections and values we hold dear.
This post also isn’t about persuading anyone on who you should've voted for or making a case for one candidate over another. My goal here is to explore why so many people feel strongly toward Donald Trump, driven largely by their perceptions of him. As the saying goes, “perception is reality”—a concept popularized by Lee Atwater, a political strategist who understood the powerful role of personal interpretation in shaping our views.
We are all products of our unique experiences, perceptions, and values, which ultimately shape our identities and beliefs. This is why two people can look at the same figure and see entirely different things. Some see Trump as a strong leader willing to disrupt the status quo; others view him as a polarizing force. Our individual perspectives are a reflection of our backgrounds, the media we consume, and our interactions with the world.
Throughout this post, I’ll be sharing articles and resources that have informed my own understanding and perspective. While I know that some might see these sources as biased or dismiss them as propaganda, my intention is simply to provide context for my own views on the Republican candidate. This isn’t about proving who’s right or wrong; it’s about offering insight into how perception shapes political loyalty and why so many feel passionately about Trump—both for and against him.
Integrity
One of my core beliefs is integrity—especially when it comes to leadership. When you cast a vote for a leader, you’re endorsing the qualities that you want to see in a role model, someone who influences our nation’s values and future.
Imagine Trump in roles closer to home: would you trust him as your father-in-law, as someone alone with your young daughter, as your daughter’s teacher, or as your son’s coach? If the answer is no, then why would we entrust him with one of the most powerful roles in the world? The president should embody qualities we admire and aspire to—qualities like empathy, fairness, and integrity, alongside competence. When we choose our leaders, we’re not just choosing a policy direction; we’re endorsing values that ripple out into our communities, our families, and our children’s futures.
Trump is a rapist. Not only is he a rapist but he is the reason young girls, CHILDREN, are forced to carry out the pregnancies from their rapists. Trump is transphobic and homophobic. His administration argued before the Supreme Court that employers should be allowed to fire employees based on their sexual orientation, undermining protections for gay and lesbian individuals in the workplace. Trump is a fascist. Throughout his presidency and campaign, Trump has openly praised authoritarian leaders like Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un, raising concerns about his stance on democratic principles. Trump is racist. Trump was widely criticized for telling four Congresswomen of color to “go back” to the “places from which they came,” despite all being U.S. citizens, which many viewed as a racially charged remark aimed at minority leaders. Trump is sexist and misogynistic. His frequent derogatory remarks about women, including high-profile figures, have been criticized as promoting sexism and perpetuating gender stereotypes.
Not everyone who voted for Trump necessarily believes these things about him; however, many who voted against him do hold these beliefs, and therefore may interpret a vote for Trump—regardless of motive—as an acceptance or tolerance of the qualities listed above, signaling that these character traits are not deal breakers.
The following explains why those who believe these statements about Trump may find it difficult to remain cordial or understanding toward those who voted for him.
I've often heard, 'But why do you care? You aren’t part of any of those groups.' Even if you don’t identify with any of the groups affected by Trump’s actions, you may still have a strong sense of social justice and empathy for those directly impacted by his policies.
I am a social justice advocate.
Someone who identifies strongly with the movement of social justice may struggle to maintain friendships with people who vote in ways that support policies threatening their safety, well-being, or basic rights because these votes can feel deeply personal and unsafe. Social justice activism often involves fighting for marginalized groups who face systemic disadvantages, discrimination, or even threats to their lives and livelihoods. When a friend votes for a candidate or policy that promotes discrimination, limits access to essential resources, or otherwise harms vulnerable communities, it can feel like an endorsement of those harms.
Personal Safety and Belonging: Policies related to healthcare, housing, education, immigration, and civil rights directly affect people's day-to-day lives. A vote that supports policies reducing protections for marginalized communities (like LGBTQ+ rights, reproductive rights, or racial justice) can feel like a direct threat. For someone who feels their identity or community is under attack, it’s challenging to trust that a friend genuinely cares for their well-being if they vote in ways that compromise it.
Values Conflict: Social justice often revolves around principles like equity, compassion, and solidarity with the oppressed. When a friend supports a platform that conflicts with these values, it can feel like a betrayal, making it hard to reconcile the values of friendship with the values that friend’s vote represents. This conflict between personal relationships and moral beliefs can create a painful emotional tension.
Empathy and Understanding: People invested in social justice usually spend a lot of time educating themselves and others about the real-world effects of policies. If a friend doesn’t recognize the negative impact of their vote—or sees it as less important than other issues—it may seem as though they lack empathy or understanding of how serious these issues are. This lack of empathy can feel like a barrier to meaningful connection.
I am a sexual assualt survivor.
For individuals who have been victims of sexual assault being friends with someone who voted for a candidate with credible allegations of rape or sexual assault, when you are a survivor of such trauma, can be profoundly painful. For survivors, this choice can feel not just politically disagreeable but like a personal affront to their experiences and well-being.
Re-Traumatization: Survivors often carry the lasting emotional and psychological impacts of their experiences, including feelings of betrayal, fear, and lack of safety. Knowing a friend voted for someone accused of sexual violence can feel like a validation of those behaviors, reigniting painful memories and emotions. This can make it difficult for the survivor to feel safe or supported in the friendship, as the choice feels dismissive of their trauma.
Sense of Betrayal: Voting for a candidate accused of sexual violence can feel like a betrayal to a survivor. It suggests to them that their personal safety, their experiences, and their pain are less important than other factors in the friend’s choice. This can create a deep rupture in trust, as the survivor may feel that their friend does not fully recognize the weight of their trauma.
Questioning Empathy and Solidarity: Many survivors rely on close friends for validation and support, especially because the world can often be dismissive of or hostile toward those who speak out about sexual violence. When a friend votes for someone accused of these acts, it can seem as though they are dismissing the survivor's suffering or even endorsing a culture that excuses or downplays sexual violence. This can leave the survivor questioning whether their friend truly empathizes with their struggles or understands the seriousness of what they’ve endured.
Conflict of Values: Sexual violence is not just a personal issue but a systemic one that social justice movements have long fought to address. For a survivor who is also invested in social justice, voting for an accused rapist may feel like actively undermining the values of accountability, consent, and safety they deeply believe in. This makes the friendship difficult to sustain because it suggests a fundamental disconnect in values.
Sense of Invalidated Pain: Survivors often face the burden of having their stories questioned, minimized, or disbelieved. When a friend supports a candidate with a similar history, it can feel like they are perpetuating the same invalidation that society often directs toward survivors. This feeling of not being believed or taken seriously is incredibly damaging, as it can deepen feelings of isolation and erode self-worth.
Trust and Safety in Friendship: Friendships, especially close ones, rely on mutual understanding, respect, and trust. When someone votes for a candidate who represents a source of profound pain and fear, that bond is deeply shaken. Survivors may feel that they can no longer confide in or trust that friend to truly have their best interests at heart, undermining the foundation of the relationship.
I am a member of the LGBTQIA+ community.
Sense of Betrayal and Vulnerability: Friendships rely on trust and a sense of acceptance. When a friend votes for a candidate with homophobic beliefs or policies, it can feel like a betrayal, as though they’re choosing a platform that devalues you. For LGBTQ+ individuals, who may already face challenges in feeling safe and accepted in broader society, a friend’s support for a homophobic candidate feels like a rejection on a personal level.
Undermining of Basic Rights and Safety: Many homophobic policies extend beyond just rhetoric—they can impact legal protections, healthcare access, adoption rights, and even basic safety. Knowing that your friend supported someone willing to undermine these rights may make you feel as though they don’t fully respect or prioritize your safety. It raises questions about whether your friend truly values you and the rights that allow you to live openly and securely.
Invalidation of Identity: Voting for someone with homophobic views can feel like an indirect message that your identity is less valid or deserving of protection. For someone who has worked hard to accept themselves, this can feel demoralizing and emotionally painful. It creates a gap in the friendship, as though your friend doesn’t fully see or value an essential part of who you are.
Strain on Emotional Well-Being: This situation can add a persistent layer of emotional stress, especially if your friend doesn’t fully understand or acknowledge the harm caused by their vote. It can feel exhausting to be around someone who doesn’t recognize why their choice feels threatening. This can create an emotional burden where you feel the need to “educate” or defend your right to exist and love freely, which can be draining and hurtful.
Fear of Judgment or Disrespect: Homophobic platforms often come with harmful stereotypes and judgments about LGBTQ+ people. Even if your friend doesn’t share these views, knowing they voted for someone who does can create an underlying fear that they might judge you, even subconsciously, or not fully accept you. This fear can chip away at the foundation of openness and mutual respect that friendships rely on.
Isolation and Loneliness: If this friend is part of your close social circle, their political choice can make you feel isolated, as though there’s a divide between you and the people you’re supposed to rely on. It may make you hesitant to be vulnerable with them or to share your experiences openly. For many LGBTQ+ people, finding a supportive community is essential, and when friends don’t provide that safe space, it can intensify feelings of loneliness.
I am a person of color.
Feeling Dehumanized: For people of color, racism is not just a theoretical or political issue; it’s a lived reality that can affect every aspect of their lives, from safety and education to career opportunities and everyday interactions. When a friend supports a candidate with racist views, it can feel as though they are disregarding these very real experiences and struggles. It can feel like the friend is willing to overlook policies that harm them or even deny their humanity, which is a painful and isolating realization.
Lack of Understanding and Empathy: When someone votes for a candidate with racist beliefs, it may signal to their friend of color that they don’t fully understand, or care about, the impact of racism. This lack of empathy can lead to a breakdown in trust, as it suggests that the friend is either unaware of or indifferent to the challenges their friend of color faces. For many, this creates a profound sense of disappointment and sadness, as it’s hard to feel close to someone who doesn’t genuinely care about issues that directly affect you.
Betrayal of Shared Values: Friendships are often built on shared values and mutual respect. For people of color, a friend’s decision to support a racist candidate may feel like a fundamental misalignment in values, particularly if they view racial justice as a core part of a fair and equitable society. This value mismatch can make it hard to maintain the friendship with authenticity, as it may feel like pretending that this significant issue doesn’t matter or doesn’t exist.
Feeling Unsafe or Vulnerable: Being friends with someone who supports a candidate who is openly racist can feel emotionally unsafe. It’s difficult to feel genuinely accepted or supported by someone who aligns themselves with ideas or policies that make life more difficult, dangerous, or dehumanizing for people of color. This can lead to a heightened sense of vulnerability within the friendship, making it challenging to relax, share openly, or trust fully.
Increased Emotional Labor: Maintaining a friendship under these circumstances often requires a great deal of emotional labor. It may mean either constantly educating the friend on why their choice is harmful, which can be exhausting and painful, or suppressing feelings to avoid conflict, which can lead to resentment and frustration. This emotional burden is particularly challenging when the person of color feels they are the one who must continually defend their humanity or explain their pain to someone who is supposed to be their friend.
Questioning Priorities and Loyalties: For many people of color, a friend’s choice to vote for a racist candidate can raise uncomfortable questions about that friend’s priorities. It can feel like a sign that the friend is willing to compromise on issues of racial justice because they don’t directly affect them. This can lead to feelings of disillusionment, as it may appear that the friend is prioritizing their own interests, comfort, or ideology over the basic dignity and rights of their friend of color.
Conflict Between Identity and Friendship: A person of color’s identity is often deeply impacted by their racial and cultural experiences. When a friend votes in a way that undermines or threatens that identity, it can create an internal conflict. They may feel torn between staying connected to the friend and staying true to their own identity, values, and well-being. This tension can make the friendship feel unsustainable or inauthentic, as it may require self-silencing or constant compromise.
I am a Woman.
Threat to Autonomy and Rights: Reproductive rights are not just political issues; they directly affect a woman's control over her own body and her life choices. When a friend supports a candidate who aims to restrict these rights, it may feel like an endorsement of limiting her autonomy. This is especially painful because reproductive rights impact women’s health, future, and ability to make the best choices for themselves. It’s hard to feel fully respected by someone who aligns with a stance that fundamentally denies a woman’s right to make decisions about her own body.
Dismissal of Experiences: When a friend supports a candidate known for sexist or misogynistic statements or actions, it can feel like a dismissal of the experiences and struggles women face. Sexism and misogyny aren’t abstract ideas for women—they are lived realities. Seeing a friend vote for someone who minimizes or promotes harmful stereotypes about women can feel like a lack of understanding, or worse, a disregard for the ways these attitudes impact women’s lives. This can make it hard to believe that the friend takes seriously the challenges and discrimination women experience.
Trust and Emotional Safety: For many women, friendships are built on a foundation of mutual support and trust. Feeling safe in friendships often means knowing that one’s rights, experiences, and well-being are genuinely valued. If a friend votes for a candidate with views that threaten women’s rights or dehumanize them, it can erode that sense of trust and safety. This is especially true when issues of reproductive rights and gender equality are central to a woman’s sense of self and safety in society.
Implicit Support of Harmful Power Structures: Many women in social justice work feel strongly about dismantling structures that uphold sexism and misogyny. A vote for a candidate who embraces these views can feel like a vote to maintain or even strengthen these harmful systems. If a friend’s choices seem to align with maintaining oppressive structures, it creates a painful conflict for a woman committed to fighting these injustices.
Emotional Labor and Exhaustion: In cases where these issues come up in conversation, a woman may feel the need to explain why these policies or statements are harmful—essentially educating her friend about sexism and the realities she faces. This can become exhausting, and it may seem that her friend isn’t acknowledging or respecting her experiences and insights. The emotional toll of constantly having to “prove” why her rights matter can become an additional burden on the friendship.
Conflict with Core Values: For many women, respect, equality, and empathy are essential values, and they look for friends who share these beliefs. When a friend votes in a way that threatens these core values, it can feel like a deep value misalignment. This doesn’t just make the friendship feel strained; it can also lead a woman to question whether they share enough common ground to maintain a meaningful, supportive relationship.
I am an Immigrant/Child of Immigrants
Undermining Cultural Identity: Many immigrants and their children feel a deep connection to both their heritage and the sacrifices that allowed them or their families to be in their current country. Anti-immigration rhetoric often paints immigrants as “others,” blaming them for economic or social issues, which can feel like an attack on who they are and where they come from. It’s difficult to maintain a bond with someone who seems to support a worldview that disparages the essence of their identity and heritage.
Feelings of Exclusion and Belonging: Anti-immigration policies often foster a narrative that immigrants don’t fully belong. For those who have spent years striving to integrate, contribute, and find acceptance, this can feel invalidating and alienating. A friend’s vote for anti-immigration policies can reinforce feelings of exclusion, suggesting that they might not see them as a “true” member of the community or society. This, in turn, raises questions about the authenticity of the friendship itself.
Generational Trauma and Struggle: Immigrants and their children often carry the weight of generational sacrifices—long hours, lower-wage jobs, barriers to education, and discrimination that parents or grandparents endured to provide better lives. Anti-immigration platforms can belittle or invalidate these struggles, casting immigrants as unwelcome or a burden. A friend’s support for these ideas can feel like a disregard for the hardships and sacrifices that define one’s family history and personal journey.
In Summary
When it comes to this election and the people I love most, I want to say that everything will go back to the way it was. I want to simply love you without this weight between us. But I hope that as you read this, you can begin to understand the conflict I’m feeling.
I wish I could say that politics doesn’t matter, that it doesn’t affect our relationship. But when it feels like your choices are at odds with my safety, my rights, or the lives impacted by those choices, it’s hard not to feel as though you’re saying that I—and people like me—don’t matter. Politics might seem abstract, but for me, it’s personal and profoundly real.
You can’t say “I love you” and then actively vote against my freedom or rights. I want your love, and I want you to care about me fully, not just in words but in the ways that count. Right now, I need to care for myself, to honor my feelings and acknowledge my disappointment. I hoped you would show your love for me by standing with me in all ways, including through your vote.
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